(As an aside, before I start, I like to use panick. I don't know why. Bear with me.)

This is an extremely hard entry to write, because there are people I know who will read it, and I'm hoping no one takes it the wrong way. However, I also believe a journal is a journal, so....

Anyway, I am being clawed to death by panick. That's what it feels like, little sharp razor claws sinking into my throat, hauling itself up from my stomach until I am suddenly babbling incoherently and I can't think. And 90 percent of it is in my head.

For example, if my mom's conclusions are correct (and we've no reason to doubt at this point; I'm a classic example of ADHD with proper coaching as a child) then 90% of this panic is because everything in my life just moved.

I've never dealt well with moving and that includes other things to. When I tried to apply to college it took me weeks to get over the sheer panick of filling out the forms. So I'm now in a new apartment and I am only barely used to it when my car drives, so I have to get used to the van. And I know a new used car will be coming, so I can't just say, "The van is mine" and be done with it, I have to mentally know another change is ahead. *panick panick*

And then work. My deparment moved to a new location. Aigh, a new desk. *hide* A new computer without Netscape. I've never ever used Outlook Express in my life. *cringe* New problems with OE and the email routing program for email support *ikes! what if this mucks up my QA scores?????*. And, horror of horrors, a new supervisor, who seems nice, but he's a NEW SUPERVISOR for me, and I don't know how to interact with him at all, and....

panick

Now, in my head, I *know* it is normal to have some worry about at least one or two of these changes. But this is overwhelming. I jump at work when someone walks up behind me. I babble incoherently and I know I'm not making sense. One of my co-workers spent about 10 minutes my first day at the new chair saying over and over to me, "It will be okay" because I was so obviously *not* okay.

Add to this the horrible fear that I've mortally offended two friends by not accepting party invitations, and potentially three friends. At least this is a slightly more reasonable fear.

(I feel so incredibly stupid, categorizing my fears. Aigh. On the other hand, at least I know there are reasons I act like an absolute idiot in my own mind. And that while some fears are legit, and others are the result of the probably ADHD, at least I'm not, like, just prone to panick or something, or being irrational. Even though I feel like I am. I don't make sense.)

There are days I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, trying to express this, I could probably cry, because I feel like I'm not making any sense at all.

*panick*