I am so tired of not knowing what's wrong with my hands. And of them hurting. I went to the Orthopedist on Monday, waited in their lounge for an hour (sigh, I HATE waiting, I'm so glad I brought a book with me), to be told they still don't know, wait and see. I'm tempted to make up symptoms to make them do something about it.

Then Tuesday I went in for a pap smear (YUCK) and annual exam. I have only seen this doctor once before, and last time she was cool. This time I wanted to smack her for not listening. First she kept saying I have allergies when I've been told by a specialist I don't, and I guess that's okay, it was so annoying at the time, though. I finally got her to admit there could be a cause for my problem that wasn't allergenic. But still.

Then I wanted to talk to her about starting an exercise routine, and could I do weights with my hands the way they are, and so forth, and the moment I started, she went in on my diet. Now I know I'm not in great shape, but my diet is good, I get plenty of nutrients, I make sure to eat a variety, etc. etc. etc. But I get winded walking up a few flights of stairs, and *I* was really more concerned with my activity level. Since starting to work at BCI, that level has been nil.

So she goes off on this diet plan, and I'm not interested. At least she answered that I could weight-lift. I understand why she's concerned; but I wish she had actually answered my questions directly, instead of after I repeated myself a few times. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

Then I went around the clinic and set up appointments for the dentist and the eye doctor and for a psychiatrist for testing for ADHD. My mom had given me a book over Christmas she thought I should read.

I also thought mom said I might want to get tested for it, but now she says she didn't (This would remind of the whale incident, except I'm really sure about the whale, and I'm not really sure about what she said at Christmas.) and doesn't want me near a psychiatrist, and now I'm in a panic over how to cancel an appointment with one. Does even that I requested an appointment go in my records? I dunno.

And the worst is, now I don't know if I have ADD or not. I can't diagnose myself after all, and I can't go see the people who would make the actual diagnosis, either. GRRRRRRRR. And I really want to know. I hate not knowing. I hate wondering if I do or I don't. It would explain so much, and I'd like to be able to have an explanation. But now I don't.

My mom has really good reasons why not to see a psychiatrist, so that's all right, it's not like she's forcing me or anything. It's just frustrating! This is day 2 of being utterly frustrated.

And they moved my desk at work, so I'm all off-kilter for that. And I'm all off-kilter for all the tests, or non-tests, or whatever.

And I think the worst of this is, I can't even afford to buy my husband a birthday present. And it makes me want to cry, that I can't even afford that.